


Smooth Operators

by cthchewy (pyrrhic_victoly)



Series: Brofriendsprits 'verse [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Getting Together, M/M, Meteorstuck, i'm embarrassed for them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 20:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1831783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/cthchewy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and Karkat <del>do the awkward shuffle-dance</del> GRACEFULLY FUCKING SLIDE into a relationship where <del>neither knows what the hell they're doing</del> IT'S ALL SERENDIPITY, and that is like so romantic it transcends stars and stuff seriously blows them the fuck out of orbit with their combined might of bro-chill.  LOWER TEMPERATURES THAN A THERMAL HULL FULL OF ARCTIC FLAPBEASTS IN HERE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. bow-chika-wub-wub

You are "chillin' with your bro" in your respiteblock, which means Dave came to bug you again because everyone else on this godforsaken space rock is otherwise engaged. Engaged as in making out with each other. Blergh. (Your understanding of Earth human siblings is that, aside from the genetics, they are people you never want to see "getting their mack on". As such, you have bestowed upon Kanaya the dubious honor of being your Earth human sister, and thus you say: blergh.)

Dave is sitting by you as you go through another romcom marathon. (He's totally starting to like them; there's hope for him yet.) The current film is "In Which a Rural Tealblood Establishes a New Identity in the City, Falls in Pity with a Highblood Lady and Poses as Nobility to Pursue Her; She Remains Ignorant to His True Identity Until the Final Act, etc." 

You are enjoying the witty banter between the protagonist and his matesprit's moirail - a classic example of quadrant corner rivalry - so much that you don't notice how uncharacteristically quiet Dave is being until he starts mumbling.

"Dude's got the hots for the other dude, right? Like, both of the monorails or whatever, they're red for the teal guy. Purple dude's faking it like he wants to break them up to protect his monocle but it's really because he wants to ride that weird alien schlong himself."

That is actually… a possible interpretation of the events, and one that you have entertained yourself. Then it hits you that Dave has been watching all these romcoms with you, complaining only sometimes, and weakly, at that. Although he ironically pretends to misunderstand even the most basic points of troll romance, he's a lot smarter than he likes to let on. You know he must be paying attention in order to make such an accurate assessment of the situation.

It's like being struck by lightning. Something races down your spine and you shiver as sudden thoughts overwhelm your thinkpan. Past Karkat is an idiot. Seriously, how could you have missed the signs? They are literally all there. All the signs, Past Karkat! You bulgeblistering waste of space, how dare you call yourself the master of romance! You are Present Karkat and you have just had a series of major epiphanies. 

One: you troll-pity Dave Strider. A lot. He's ridiculous, but secretly sensitive, protective, loyal to a fault. You always were a sucker for loyalty, though puberty has turned these feelings into deviant sexual desires. (It makes you want to hump his weird alien bulge.) The magnitude of this revelation has naturally left you stunned.

Two: Dave Strider human-loves you. Come on, faking an interest in a flush-crush's hobbies is the easiest tell there is. Wrap that in irony and you get Dave's actions for the past perigee or so. He is flushed for you and hiding it poorly. The magnitude of this revelation has naturally left you reeling. 

Three: you have no idea how to make this work.

Holy shit you have no idea how to make this work. He's an _alien_ , how do you make that work when you can't even succeed in any of your regular relationships with other trolls. You want so much for it to work, too. Shit, you have it bad.

You've been quiet for too long and your breathing has gotten harsh. Claws gripping your pant legs until they threaten to tear, you keep staring at the screen though the movie doesn't register anymore.

"Whoa," Dave says. "You okay, man? I didn't get it so wrong that you're having an aneurysm over how badly I botched troll romance, did I? 'Cuz that would suck so much, I gotta say, telling everyone 'Yeah, we were having a bro-date and I said something stupid about gay troll bulge-bumping and he just died' and Rose going, 'Hmm, and how does that make you _feel_ , David? That your latent homosexuality killed Karkat?' Like no shit of course I'd feel terrible about it. Please don't make me go through that."

Oh god, he's bringing up memories of John and how you utterly fail at grasping human sexuality weirdness. You can't even bring yourself to look over at Dave, but because you are a moron, you open your mouth and this comes out: " _Are_ you a 'homosexual'?"

He makes a grimace like he just drank piss. "I don't see why I have to put a label on it. Dicks are awesome. Coochies are awesome. I don't think bisexuality covers alien dicks and coochies, which are, by the way, strangely awesome. The parts themselves don't matter all that much since I figure I'll like 'em as long as they're attached to _people_ I like."

Oh god, why. Why is he so perfect. Fuck you, Dave, stop being so perfect. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

"Dave, do you like me?" 

No Karkat what are you doing! The only idiot bigger than Past Karkat is Present Karkat. Fuck your mouth, Present Karkat. Fuck. You.

"Uh," Dave says.

Wow, now both of you are staring at the screen, pretending that eye contact is a thing that doesn't exist, how great is that. It's fucking great. Makes you want to pull your own intestines out of your ass and knit a dress out of them with how fucking great it is that you've ruined what was possibly the best friendship you're ever going to get on this shitty meteor ride to your doom.

"Uh," he says again after a few tries to wet his lips, "it's kind of in the bro code that you have to like your bros."

"Oh fuck me in the ganderbulbs I will not let you make me do the puerile do-you-like-like-me hoofbeastshit exchange. Just. Do you… Fuck it."

"Yeah, okay, but things will be cool with us no matter what I say, can we do that? I don't wanna be awkward with you, bro."

"I think it's too late for that."

For a moment it looks like he's going to say something, say yes and confirm your pretty solid suspicions, but he struggles with how to say it. From the corner of your eye you see his throat moving in soundless swallows as he rehearses his speech in his mind, subvocal twitches and all like he does with his shitty slam poetry.

Finally he turns to you and grabs your hands in his own. You jolt at the sudden touch but don't break from his loose grip. The contact forces you to return his gaze.

"You want to be romanced? I can do that. Want me to bring you flowers and shit? Chocolates? I already made you a mix CD but I'll make you another, fill it up with remixes of 70s porn music, bow-chika-wub-wub. Wanna be old school I'll make you a mix tape instead, I hear that's romantic for nerds."

He says it with a small smirk as if he's not serious at all, like you could say 'haha very funny, fuck you Strider' and it wouldn't be brought up again. He tries to play it cool but his hands are shaking. And you realize that he must really, really like you. He wants to make it work as much as you do. He wants to be with you in any way he can and all that 'irony' in his response is his way of giving you an out. He's saying that if you want him flushed, you can have him flushed. If you want him pale, you can have him pale. And if you want them both, you can have them both because you have his heart and his diamond in your palm to do with what you will and that is… You think it's the first time anyone's ever felt so strongly about you. Fuck if that wasn't the dumbest, least romantic confession the world has ever heard, and you're fucking melting from it anyway.

"Yeah," you say, "I'd like that."

"Yeah?" His eyebrows rise up over the shades like he can't believe you would just agree so easily.

"Yeah, you insufferable prick. I like you too."

You're aware that you're both blushing like idiots. Dave is biting down on his lower lip to stop himself from grinning but you can still see the corners curling up. He lets go of your right hand to do a fist pump.

"Hell yeah, I'm the romantic-est, it's me. Just you watch, bro, Imma woo your pants off - not literally, but okay also literally - and sweep you so far off your tiny troll walkstubs that you'll fly off the goddamn meteor. I swear you won't regret this."

"I'm regretting it just a little bit right now."

"Bastard," he says affectionately. He leans forward and you know he's about to kiss you so you close your eyes and you think that your first kiss will definitely be better than anything you dared hope for because it will be with Dave. You start to feel his breath, soft puffs against your lips...

"Hey Karkles can I kiss you?"

"Don't ruin the moment, you douche!"

"Jesus flipping dicks, I'm a douche for being considerate? Excuse me for not wanting to be some kind of mouth-rapist here all shoving my tongue in your face without permission."

"Argh! You're not supposed to make me say it; that takes all the romance out of it! 'Yes Dave stick your tongue in my mouth and squirm it around in there in a mockery of weird human pailing practices!' I was leaning into it already! You want my consent? Here, have my enthusiastic fucking consent: Dave Strider, fucking kiss the hell out of me." You grab his shoulders and shake him a bit for good measure.

Dave exhales in a way that you take for silent laughter. In the next moment, he's cupping your face and his lips are pressed against yours, light and chaste. You relax in his touch and allow your eyes to close again. He makes no move to deepen the kiss, just holding it there, letting you feel his breath in time with your own. 

When he parts, your breath hitches with how much you want him back. He pulls you closer, though, and wraps his arms around you.

"I'm seriously going to woo you. All out."


	2. dating advice from Dead Johns

Hanging out with Dave has gained an added level of complexity now that there are sloppy interspecies makeouts involved. To your eternal mortification, he has no problems admitting to the others that you are now "super bros, ascended bros, bros that play in the same tonsil hockey league, running those pucks down the line all the way to the Ryder Cup, do a couple victory laps along the oral circuit". (You're not sure, but you think at least three different human sports got lost in that metaphor.) 

Despite the candidness about your relationship status, he's moving slowly. It was _you_ who instigated the makeout sessions. Otherwise you would have died of old age waiting for him to get a move on; he'd still be kissing the back of your hand and "ironically" claiming it to be the proper way to treat a lady. Or (and god how you hated how cute this was) he'd give you "Eskimo kisses" where you basically just rub your cartilaginous nubs against each other. How is that supposed to be a kiss? Fuck Dave Strider, seriously.

He hasn't even done anything more than the occasional one-armed hug when there are others around. Dave is secretive with his more intimate affections, which is a thing you can respect. You totally respect that, and it is with the utmost respect that you say he's fucking paranoid.

You, Karkat Vantas, are an expert on paranoia. It's only with the greatest skill in being a paranoid stick-up-his-wastechute that you've managed to avoid culling so far, so yeah, you know paranoia. Paranoia's secret identity is Dave Strider, who won't stop mumbling about shitty clowns even though you've told him time and again that you and Gamzee are _pale_ , okay? Dave was in much more danger of inciting a jealous highblood _before_ the two of you shacked up flushed, since human bro-hood has some disturbingly pale overtones. 

And it's just downright immature of Dave to platonically hate Gamzee so much just because they happen to have the same taste in romantic partners, and _no_ , he's not allowed to still be possessive of Terezi when he's the one who dumped her because he couldn't handle her wanting to fill other quadrants, and NO he's not allowed to defend her honor against her _kismesis_ of all people. That would be making her look weak in front of her pitchmate! God, doesn't he understand how hate works? You thought he was catching on with the romcoms, but it seems theory and practice are very different things. 

No murdering will be happening as long as Dave keeps his trap shut about shitty clown religion, you tell him. Do not poke the unstable highblood and the unstable highblood will not bring out the clubs. Or even leave the vents. 

Fuck. Now you're thinking about how miserably your pale quadrant is faring, and Dave is still doing that thing where he pretends he's not monitoring every corner of the immediate vicinity from behind his shades.

See? This is what you mean. A dream bubble is approaching and he asked you out on a "bubble date". Instead of being suave and - what was it he said? - oh yeah, sweeping you off your tiny troll walkstubs, Dave is being… Dave.

"Rose isn't going to eat you for showing emotions, you know." She just left the room with Kanaya, and you're pretty sure they're not coming back anytime soon. There were hints of 'lady time' being involved, which is stupid because it's always 'lady time' with them. When was the last time the two of them were together for a group activity and didn't leave part way through for 'lady time'? Fuck if you remember.

"Who's scared of Rose? Not--"

"You are."

"--me… Okay, yeah, a little bit. But nah, it's not about her, or at least not now. It's… the dream bubble guys. They're creepin' me out."

Oh. Huh. The meteor stops a few meters ahead and blends into a memory of an Earth park. You've apparently entered the dream bubble already.

The dream bubble guys, as Dave so aptly put it, are a motley assortment of dead people out on dates with their dead significant others. Somehow you've stumbled upon a makeshift couples' park. They're all holding hands and having picnics and being spied upon by Nepetas in bushes.

You squash down the feelings of guilt and failure that always pop up when you see dead Nepetas. One of them waves at you, and you wave back. She gestures to Dave, who's taken up something of a protective knight stance at your side. Being a knight yourself, you know all about the (over)protectiveness that comes naturally to members of your class, and you've found yourself doing the same for Dave on some occasions.

Nepeta looks at you expectantly. You bite your lip and shakily bring your hands up to make the shape of a heart with your fingers. She slams her paws over her mouth and presumably squeals loudly into them before diving into the bushes to presumably update her shipping chart.

Mere moments later, everyone's attention goes flying to a giant squealing group of Nepetas and what's-her-name-older-alpha-Leijons. This is seriously one of the more disturbing dream bubbles you've seen, and you've been to ones with Gl'bgolyb in them.

"So," Dave says.

"I commisserate with your pain, but I'm not going to say 'so'. We're going to move on and pretend we were never exposed to the stench of pure awfulness that wafts from every molecule of the crime against romance known as this couple's park."

"Where romance goes to die."

"My thoughts exactly."

"Or is dead, literally. Deader than grandma after she was run over by a reindeer. Remind me to never again take dating advice from Dead Johns."

"Dead John suggested this place? How many times are you going to fall for that, Strider? You know he lives to troll you."

"Fuckin' touché, Vantas. I see what you did there."

A dead you - newly dead since his eyes are still yellow - chooses just that moment to wander in, sees you and Dave and what are probably godawful cutesy-couple-looks you're shooting each other. He predictably has an aneurysm over it.

"What the bulge-grinding fuck is this? My subconscious can't think of anything else to torture me with than having me date fucking Strider? This is disgusting! I must be more of a sadistic fuck than I thought!"

"Fuck off, nosy snoutbeast!" You hate yourself a lot and promptly make this known. "Your subconscious is full of human bulges and you know it!"

"Word. Embrace the human bulge, Other-kat."

You try not to blush (a lost cause) as you continue to defend your quadrant like a mature troll. "And also, you're fucking dead! We're the alpha timeline here, so you can just choke on a grubsausage and fuck yourself off into the sunset!"

The poetically named Other-kat stares in shock. Blood blooms on his shirt and his eyes slowly turn white.

"Come on, Dave." You grab his hand and tug him off somewhere else. Dave shrugs and follows.

You never expected to live long enough to have an actual relationship. Culling was always on the back of your mind during the quadrant-fucked morass of whatever that thing was with Terezi, and it caused you to push her away at odd times, especially when you were being a bulgemunch about heroically sacrificing your quadrant so that she wouldn't be dragged down with you or some other pretentious grubvomit.

Somehow you're still alive, and you've managed to land your alien dream-boy. It's okay if he sucks at this dating thing.


	3. gay hoofbeast wranglers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our heroes retreat to the couch to recoup from their first disastrous foray into Meteor Dating, whereupon they fail to contemplate how completely and utterly they fail at romantic activities that don't involve either a couch or Can Town.
> 
> aka Dave and Karkat watch Brokeback Mountain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally written for [this prompt](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/40248.html?thread=46809912#cmt46809912)

DAVE: cross cultural romance binge day 28

DAVE: thats 28 days later which as you know is when the protagonist wakes up and realizes oh shit ive landed in a cult classic film

DAVE: genre? survival horror slash sociopolitical commentary

DAVE: main plot device being infectious rage 

DAVE: hate breeds hate

DAVE: literally with you trolls so youd get a kick out of that

DAVE: kick that hate bucket all the way into the mother grubs slurry hoop from the three point line really drive it across the range

DAVE: ...

DAVE: cmon man dont leave me hanging here mumbling all to myself

KARKAT: *SIGH*

KARKAT: DID YOU HEAR THAT? I SIGHED IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION.

DAVE: snark is good thats a start

KARKAT: YOU’VE MADE IT NO SECRET THAT YOU PLAN ON SHOWING ME YOUR FAVORITE SHITTY ZOMBIE MOVIES ON THE 28TH ITERATION OF OUR CROSS CULTURAL HORROR BINGE.

KARKAT: HOWEVER! IT’S A ROMANCE DAY, AND IT’S YOUR TURN. I DON’T EXPECT TO BE WOWED OR TO EVEN SHED A SINGLE TEAR OF PITY, BUT IF YOU TRY TO PRETEND THAT ANYTHING SIMILAR TO THE FROTHING PUSTULE ON THE FACE OF CINEMATOGRAPHY KNOWN AS ‘DEUCE BIGALOW’ IS ACTUALLY A ROMANCE, I WILL BE FORCED TO FLY OFF THE FUCKING HANDLE.

KARKAT: SO MANY PIROUETTES, DAVE. I WILL SHOW YOU ALL THE PIROUETTES.

DAVE: nah man its cool i got this

DAVE: today were watching a critically acclaimed masterpiece all kinds of awards up ins

DAVE: some really cool cinematography nice scenery nice framing musics good too

DAVE: also its hella gay

KARKAT: GAY AS IN YOU THINK THE PLOT’S STUPID OR GAY AS IN HOMOSEXUAL?

DAVE: the time has come young padawan

DAVE: you are now ready to embark on a journey of knowledge about human same gendered mating fondness

DAVE: aka what we have going on between us

DAVE: which is a state commonly referred to as being hella homo

KARKAT: THIS BETTER NOT BE ABOUT JOHN. I TOLD YOU I’M OVER HIM.

DAVE: its about me being in gays with you jeez learn to take something at face value for once

KARKAT: MAYBE WHEN YOU STOP BEING IRONICALLY INSINCERE ALL THE TIME, ASSWIPE.

DAVE: this is me being sincere

DAVE: so fucking sincere to the point where im volunteering to watch a movie about the forbidden love between two hoofbeast wranglers and the resultant shitstorm of quadrant problems that happens because one of the dudes got married or quad bonded or whatever to someone else and then the other one did too and everyone is fucking miserable

DAVE: which is exactly the same plot of maybe at least 25% of your favorite movies so you see how observant i am and how im being attentive to your needs and stuff

KARKAT: ALL RIGHT, I GUESS THAT’LL DO. GOOD DAVE, BEST HUMAN BOYFRIEND.

DAVE: woof

DAVE: am i outta the doghouse now can we do the locomotion

KARKAT: PUT IN THE MOVIE BEFORE THE BARKBEAST HIVE BECOMES YOUR PERMANENT ADDRESS

\--

KARKAT: THAT HOOFBEAST WRANGLER, THE CHATTY ONE. WASN’T HE THE BOY IN THE BUBBLE? I CAN’T STOP SEEING HIM AS THE BOY IN THE BUBBLE.

DAVE: funny you should say that first time i saw this i kept imagining him as donnie darko

DAVE: puts a very interesting spin on things

\--

KARKAT: HOLD ON A MINUTE. ENNIS IS A REPRESSED DOUCHE. THIS COMING FROM A TROLL PERSPECTIVE. IS IT STILL TRUE IN HUMAN TERMS?

DAVE: truer words were never said

KARKAT: WOW OKAY SO HE CHEATED ON HIS WIGGLERHOOD SWEETHEART...

DAVE: theyre more like two sad people who fell in together because they had i dunno what the troll equivalent would be

DAVE: the same bloodcaste?

DAVE: so they got married because shrug im a midblood youre a midblood lets make midblood slurry as our duty to the drones

KARKAT: HUH. IT DOES MAKE A LOT OF SENSE WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY. HE’S STILL A DOUCHE FOR NOT TELLING HER ABOUT HIS DALLIANCES WITH BUBBLE BOY. SO MUCH TROUBLE COULD BE AVOIDED WITH SOME PROPER COMMUNICATION.

DAVE: yeah but then you wouldnt have a story

DAVE: also i see your bubble boy and raise you the joker

\--

KARKAT: JACK IS A PILE OF SHITS, TOO.

DAVE: you mean bubble boy

KARKAT: HE SHOULD REALLY KNOW BETTER THAN TO WASTE HIS TIME PINING OVER THE LIKES OF THE JOKER, A MAN SO UPTIGHT HE COULDN’T FIND HIS OWN WASTECHUTE IF IT WAS POINTED OUT TO HIM BY AN EXPERIENCED TEAM OF SURVEYORS WITH MAP AND COMPASS AT THE READY.

KARKAT: BUT I CAN’T FAULT HIM FOR THAT SINCE EMOTIONS ARE A HUGE BITCH. THE FACT THAT HE GOES AND MARRIES SOMEONE HE ONLY PASSABLY PITIES IS KIND OF SHIT AND UNFAIR TO HER.

KARKAT: THE FACT THAT HE CHEATS ON HER WITH OTHER GUYS WHO AREN’T THE JOKER PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF.

KARKAT: IT’S LIKE DOUBLE-CHEATING, IF SUCH A THING WERE POSSIBLE. HOW LOW CAN THIS ASS FISSURE GO?

DAVE: guys desperate you know gotta get his d from somewhere

DAVE: maybe in the dark he can pretend its the jokers pork sword in his bum

KARKAT: MY GOD THAT WAS A DISGUSTING SENTENCE YOU JUST SAID. WE NEED TO RETIRE THESE NICKNAMES STAT.

\--

KARKAT: *SNIFFLE*

DAVE: hey karks you okay?

KARKAT: *SNIFF* *MUMBLE* *SNORT* *SNIFF*

DAVE: uh...

KARKAT: I’M FINE!

DAVE: your eyes are... pretty red there

KARKAT: COMFORT ME, YOU SAD SACK OF GREASETRAP SCRAPINGS.


End file.
